A few years ago, David and I decided that we were going to have a "no sleepover" policy. We feel good about this decision. I know it is the right fit for our family. Of course, there are exceptions...cousins, having children over because of new babies or parents out of town, etc, etc.
Despite all of my feeling good about our "policy", I still feel so awkward when I have to explain it. I just had to turn down Henry's second sleepover invite in a week! I think that 8 must be the magic age because he hasn't really had many invites before now.
When I got off of the phone with this last invite I just felt so bad. Why is this? I really like this family, I think he and Henry are great friends and they behave well when they are with each other. I worry that this lovely mother think that by us saying no we are making a judgment of them saying yes. Does that make sense to you?
Do you have any thoughts on this? We are firm on our decision, but I am curious to see if my readers think we are being too strict? What are your policies? What would you do in this situation?
33 comments:
(I find it interesting that you have this policy - since you always wanted sleepovers - and always went on them too.)
I think it's a perfectly good policy - and I doubt the woman has a problem with you - you don't do baseball on Sunday, etc. so she knows you have certain policies.
And frankly, I never was a fan of sleepovers or slumber parties - although I slept over and went to tons of slumber parties too. But no one ever seems to get much sleep - and sleep deprivation when I had young children really did me in.
I know there are other issues now, but the lack of sleep is sufficient for me to veto them!!
I don't know how you explained it to the mom, but if you emphasize that your children just don't seem to do well with it and so you just have a blanket policy, and then maybe include another kind of invite to "cushion" the blow, there should be no hard feelings - or at least "understanding" on her part.
Life is full of such moments, btw, so at least you are getting lots of practice (like the no R movies, playing ball on Sunday, etc, etc.)
ahhhh - we deal with this on a regular basis.
our family rule was inherited from bruce's mom. she felt strongly that nothing good happened after 10 P.M. so she kept her kids home. we have tried to follow this. we have let the kids go to slumber parties and we pick them up at 9 or 10. we have one close family that we let our children do sleepovers with, but not until recently did this start. they are families that we trust as a family.
one of the main worries we have is not so much the children will get in trouble, but that an older sibling or friend of an older sibling might do something we don't feel is appropriate.
we did make an exception to the sleepover rule for ella about one month ago. she presented her case to me and bruce - she pointed out that we wanted her to become friends with this group of girls, and this was an excellent chance to do so. her life is so busy she doesn't have as much time for socializing as she wants. we have known the girl's family for years and trust them and when i asked the mom if the older brother would be at the party, she said no. and she was thrilled and surprised that we were letting ella attend. i guess our reputation has spread. :)
ella went to the party and had a great time. she is old enough to understand our concerns and is very open with us, so we felt that she would let us know if she didn't feel comfortable.
so that is my two cents.
good luck.
Up until this year (age 8) our daughter did not have sleep overs, but she really wanted a sleep over party. So, we let her have one with 2-3 friends. It worked out well and we knew the girls. I am way more comfortable with her staying at our house with someone. We did let her sleep over right before school is out with a good friend. Everything seemed ok. We have talked a lot about appropriate and inappropriate things and I think she would tell me if anything were to happen, but I totally get why you don't.
Actually, the younger sleep overs were way less crazy then when I did sleep overs as a teenager. I think that might be the time to ban them.
It is funny that we don't have them. I did love having sleepovers as a kid. Mostly the (good) memories I have of sleeping over involved Kellyry and Jenny S. They were such close friends that I think that if a friendship like this were to develop, I might bend the rules.
We have the rule for a variety of reasons. Obviously older siblings play a factor, general family rules, media availability, and the list goes on. I have heard too many stories where a child was abused by older siblings or friends of older siblings at sleepovers.
Right now I don't feel like Henry is missing out on anything. He has Cousin Camp, cousin sleepovers, camp outs with family friends, and he has years of scouting ahead of him.
We are certainly looking forward to having Henry sleep over at 428!!
I don't think you are being too strict. I have heard of several families doing "mock" sleepovers, where the kids come, eat pizza, play video games, brush their teeth, put on their pjs, etc, but then their parents pick them up at bed time. It allows the kids to have a later night and it's just like a sleepover except they sleep in their own bed. Everyone I know who's done it says it's win-win. Sometimes they even bring their sleeping bags.
We don't do sleepovers, either. We do late-overs. We let the kids go over and stay late, like 10 or 11, they get to play just like at a sleep over, but they come home to a nice comfy bed, and get well needed sleep.
Most of the parents I've told about this, after having turned down a sleep over request of course, have adopted it as a favorable alternative. My only problem is staying up late enough to take the kids home, or go pick mine up!
I think the parents should completely respect you for you decision, and the ones that might not, obviously those are the ones you wouldn't want your kids sleeping over at anyway!
Good job on sticking to your guns.
I talked to the mother again tonight and she was very understanding (it helps that this is the youngest of her 4 kids-she's seen plenty). Henry is going over for "breakfast for dinner" tomorrow night and then staying for playtime and a movie. Seems perfect!
I think that what I really feel bad about is the timing. Henry has been invited over three other times this summer and for one reason or another we haven't been available. I worried that she thought we were trying to ditch her!
Interesting - I had never even thought about this, but I like it.
It's unfortunate that we have to be so protective of our children, but I really don't think it's overkill and I definitely don't think sleeping over is an essential element of childhood. My main memory of sleeping over is being bored because I was always the last one asleep and the first one awake! I think I kept doing them out of social obligation.
You will probably not have to explain too many more times before you develop a reputation. I think it's just one of those things that if other people don't understand, oh well.
Thanks for planting the seed long before I'll be facing this!
We also have this rule. With similar exceptions. Another reason, besides those listed, is that my kids usually come home very tired because there is no sleeping at a sleepover, and they are so grumpy. We let them stay until 10 or 11 and then pick them up. I've found that a lot of parents have similar rules or they are totally cool with picking my child up early. But you can never be too careful. Besides, I would rather have kids at my house where I know what's going on than at someone else's house. So I usually offer that if it's not an official party. Then everyone is happy.
So my comments don't make as much sense because I started writing the comment four hours ago and just got back to post it.
Another thought, especially with girls groups is that there is always drama. Seems to be more drama at sleepovers and later at night. Aspen went to the first part of a YW sponsored sleepover a few months ago. She came home early, but the girls that were there later ended up in tears. One girl wrote in her journal about someone else not dressing appropriately, feeling snubbed by a different girl. So this girl, not the journal's owner, then shared the journal with still another girl who told the first two girls what it said...etc. Lots of drama...
yet another reason to not do sleepovers.
We did a YW sleepover once - we were going on an early morning hike and thought it would be the most efficient way to get everyone on time. Only 3 or 4 girls came - and they went to sleep pretty quickly - they were young - and it rained the next a.m. so the hike was canceled. So we had breakfast and took the girls home.
No one ever suggested another one though. (I believe some of them were secretly relieved to no go on a hike!!)
But groups of girls can create drama - damaging drama - YW leaders need to be pretty vigilant about that.
We have the same policy, and this year has been our first test of it. It's super hard. I get what you mean, about it being right for your family, but saying that automatically sounds like a judgement. I don't know what to say except good for you for staying true to your own hearts...
We have had that rule as well and it has seemed to work. However, overseas there is not much else to do and we have made an exception on two based on whether the older siblings would be home and at the party. Mainly, we just let them stay until 10 or 11 and then pick them up. They has seemed OK with it. It is hard but I do think that it is correct, especially in this day and age.
I guess I will weigh in here. With my older kids we allowed some sleepovers, and then we had an incedent that changed our policy to no sleepovers at all (because it was hard to say yes to some and no to others, so it was just no.) Our kids learned to not even ask. But some time went by (and we moved) and our kids had some sleepovers, but usually it was all of the kids sleeping over at the house of close family friends, or their kids sleeping over at our house.
We still do not do slumber parties. We pick them up early.
As my older kids grew (Teens!) they have had a friend spend the night or spent the night at a friend's house, but it is not often, and it is only if we felt comfortable with the friend and the family.
My youngest four have only slept over with family.
We also have decided on no sleepovers, and I have a friend that will let her daughter have friends over for sleepovers, but not sleep over at other people's houses. We have quite a few friend in the ward with similar rules, so that makes it nice. We will let the kids stay late (10 or 11) and then go pick them up. So far, so good.
I haven't set a firm rule either way. My kids have a lot of sleepovers at our house. McKay has a really good friend that I know her parents and siblings really well and I have let her. There has been many times that we just do late nights as well. I wouldn't worry about other people getting their feelings hurt or feeling bad yourself. You are the one that knows what is best for your family and that is the only thing that matters. I'm sure the other people don't even think twice.
An interesting conundrum occurs here when you reflect on the number who say you can have sleepovers at my house but not yours - that means the other parent might feel that you are the only one qualified to supervise sleepovers! I'm just saying - it's a thought. (I was never a fan of sleepovers - of course, now I'm a lover of the Grandma's Birthday Sleepovers!!)
I know my mom wouldn't let us go to neighbor's houses very often - but anyone could come play in our fenced yard. She mostly worried that neighbors would feel that she had all these kids and then didn't supervise them. I have no idea if they felt bad that we couldn't go to their houses as often. At the time, my dad was building our house, so our yard was a very appealing construction site - I think the neighbor kids liked coming to our place.
Also, it's interesting to me to see the topics that generate responses!! I doubt if I ever discussed sleepovers with my friends when I had young kids. Of course, there weren't too many slumber parties at homes I was not totally familiar with. And as I said before, Phoebe was my chief Sleepover Lover!
I agree with Barbara on the interesting conundrum with the my house but not yours thing. We have a neigbor who will let my kids play at her house, but her kids are not allowed at my house for some reason. I really should talk with her and find out why. Am I unfit to watch the kids? Is she afraid of our house?
But now I don't allow my kids to go over there any more. I feel the kids should be able to go back and forth my kids there her kids here and if there isn't that give and take then it doesn't work for me.
I think the only at my house thing is not good for friendships.
Does she have fewer kids than you do? Maybe she thinks her kids would be a burden to you - and maybe she thinks she is helping you out by having your kids over to give you a break? I actually know lots of moms who are happy to have all the kids at their house but don't want their kids going to other's homes - and often it's from the sense of feeling that their kids might be a burden.
Wow, this is a lot more complicated than we thought, isn't it??
We don't do sleepovers either. My girls have asked (& my oldest is only 7) and the policy is no. I adopted it from a friend in my ward who has teens on down. They do "late-nights" like the ones said in other comments. Things are different from when we grew up and we have to be more cautious. And the drama issue - boy has that already begun in my house with 5 girls.
Karen I agree with grannybabs about the friend play time. I am one of those who doesn't let my kids play over at many people's house. There are different reasons. Media, not a good environment, burden to others (I have 3 close in age and if one wants to go, all 3 want to go). I let my girls go to a good friends' house and she doesn't let her kids come over here that much. I think she doesn't want me to have to watch more kids. There are so many issues for parents with their kids. Wow!
Maybe just talk to your neighbor about your concern. Good luck.
We have the same policy. I do say that they can have "stay laters"--until 9pm or so. Then we pick them up and if they want to go back for breakfast in the mornings, they can. Luckily, most of our friends here have the same policy! Makes it easy.
This is interesting to read because like Mom said, her main reason for not letting us stay at people's houses was because we were grumpy the next day. Okay, sure, but in my defense, I'm grumpy every morning, still :)
Anyway, Robbie and I have talked about this (because, you know, we are worried about our many sleepover-aged children) and it is an interesting conversation. Wasn't there an article in LDS Living about it a few months ago? I think that we will probably abide to the same "no sleepover" rule except with family (even though the LL article writer said that she doesn't even let her kids do family sleepovers) but we're not at that point yet. We're far from it.
I guess I'm just interested because I think that sleepovers were fun for me, but only once I got to high school (in hindsight). Melanie used to sleep over so much that she had a toothbrush in our bathroom. Then again, she slept over a lot because we'd go early to stake activities, to take exams, etc.
So. I don't know. But I definitely think that blanket rules help so that no one plays the "why her and not me" game that I'm sure I've done a million times.
Um... I don't even know why I'm contributing because I'm not part of this conversation yet, haha. But I'll say that the staying till 10 or 11 thing sounds like a good idea. Nothing good happens after then anyway.
And I'm sure that Eliza will share her story about a sleepover when she was younger. Or maybe not.
We have the same rule and so far my kids just know we're "different" and they don't bug me about it. I haven't had any moms feeling offended either... maybe they think I"m weird but that's fine with me. I think it's a good idea!
Should I remember Eliza's sleepover story - it doesn't come to mind!
so much estrogen coursing through these comment veins.
I remember as a kid cruising around in taxis at night in new delhi wiht a bunch of other 12 year olds coming back from one party and going to sleep over at someone else's house.
Kids are resilient, and there will be drama at home, at school, everywhere. And there are bad people everywhere. I say let them live a little. They probably won't get pregnant or kidnapped or subjected to other horrible, horrible things. They will probably just stay up late, be tired, and have little conversations with their friends.
Besides, it would be entirely hypocritical of me to say no to them, when even now i sleepover at "friends" houses.
Ah, Karl, the ultimate sleepover guest.
There is some truth to what you say.
But as I said before, tired kids is reason enough for me to eschew sleepovers - which I did sometimes - I allowed it other times.
I think I only ever did one real slumber party though! (Bonny's 8th b-day - soured me on the concept for life I think!! I had a baby and we lived in a small 2 bedroom apt. and we had about 8 girls there - not much slumbering went on!)
Maybe it was an unfair judgment.
I hadn't ever considered whether I'll allow my non-existent children have sleepovers. Now that you bring the subject up, I can foresee the many potential negatives that can happen if the parental supervision is minimal. Like you, Phoebs, I have many positive memories of our sleepovers and I can't imagine our JH & HS years without them. So much bonding and maturing can happen in those times. However, I can also recall several socially difficult sleepovers where the focus was on who slept where and who felt left out (with larger slumber parties). I realize those situations occur in any social interaction between children & teenagers but the sleepover ones do stand out as having been harder.
I imagine that when I'm a parent, my decision on this matter will consider my child, how vulnerable/succeptible I believe they are to peer pressure and the environment they'll be in. Although as many have already pointed out, not having a blanket rule can cause problems with others who feel they are slighted if not deemed "acceptable" to supervise properly.
No clue what sleepover Hannah is talking about...really. The only sleepover that comes to mind is when we were in high school and we had a ton of girls over so that we could thwart boys who were planning to TP us that night. (thwarting accomplished.)
I have never even thought about this...obviously I will eventually!
I vaguely remember that one - at least you talking about it.
I pretty much need prompts to remember things!
After too many years of not doing so, I am a big believer in listening to that still, small voice within your heart. And when it comes to the children, God has entrusted them into our care. Our #1 job is to nurture, protect and guide them--even if it means offending other people. On that note, I have also learned that there will almost always be someone who will be offended by just about anything.
You are such a kind and loving person, Phoebe. Your personal character shines so brightly that even if someone doesn't agree with you, surely they trust your intention.
As to the specific situation- because Audrey's only 3, we haven't had the slumber party issue. However we have had repeated, rather forceful, offers by people who want to watch Audrey, which we have (repeatedly) not accepted (which I'm pretty sure has been the subject of 'offense') but I have had to stick to my gut and lose some popularity contests.
Your policy seems like a good one and although I loved slumber parties myself, I could see good reason have it in these days. One word of caution that is not meant to incite paranoia, but rather...balance: a very good friend of mine was abused by an 'uncle' and very close friend of her parents when she was a little girl and she was never left alone with the man for more than a minute or two while her parents were bringing things to the dinner table, etc. So I do think that it's even more important to educate our kids (as they grow), about what is appropriate and what is not, than to worry about constantly trying to avoid every dangerous situations the world can present (which would definitely be my temptation.)
P.S. You are not too strict. You're doing what you feel is best to protect your child, at an age where he still very much needs your protection.
Down the road, at a different stage and age you may feel that he is able to better protect himself, at which time you might reconsider your policy. Who knows?
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